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Perhaps it is human nature to always judge on other people. I do it too, just not all the time. I do admit that when introduced to someone, I will judge the person from their first impression. However, from learning from elders and with experience, I learned that judging could be different, and there are limits to how far you judge and how you judge someone.
One of the main common judge category is whether or not a person comes off as “likable and friendly.” Funny thing is, this is a very vague and dangerous way of judging someone. Throughout my life, I’ve met people who appears as friendly and in fact, wanting to be friends with me and being there for me. I guess the term “friends” could be different from person to person. As you get to know a person, you will find the deep down secrets and true intentions that they have, and often, it doesn’t sound to pretty.
Then, a person could also appear as “cold and submissive” yet their actual personality and intention could really match that of yours to a point that you can’t keep away from each other. This is also pretty common, I guess. Many have said that I give the first impression of a really snobby girl who over-analyze those around me and apparently I’m not very friendly neither. I guess I am trying to change that slowly and in fact I have changed in several areas 
My general motto is that everyone is different in their own ways. A person could be very child-like, very loud and short-tempered, very cold, very happy, and so on for their own reasons. I did not learn this quickly because I seem to always judge people simply from their appearance (what personality they are presenting), without having a neutral mind.
Keeping a neutral mind is not easy. I seem to have to tell myself to be patient, and to not be biased in judging people. I guess this comes with certain experience as well, which I will have to gain more in the future. I always keep a big picture, of different motives, the different environment and people that surrounds them and myself. In other words, I simply try to understand. In time when I don’t, I leave it be. Sometimes avoiding certainly people is the best way to avoid myself to jump into cruel, harsh and biased judgments.
So I guess I could judge people, but I would call it “smart judging.” To judge those around me with accordance to their motives and background and by keeping a neutral way of thinking – while being critical as well. It takes a lot for me to say that I dislike a person, I would call it “mis-match” but not dislike. The word “hate” is one I rarely use. Perhaps only once. Just once.
… Just a thought, I feel like writing this down before I let it roll off my mind.
I guess after spending approximately half the semester in my Human Development (psychology) class, I know quite a lot about the development and how to deal with babies and toddlers. Add to this, my professor is one funny woman who would imitate children in front of the class. Strange, but it only makes the class that tiny bit more interesting.
There has already been a lot of lessons that I have learned from this class. From the meaning of babies’ cries and yells to what their behavior means and parents have dealt with them mistakenly. The first thing that my professor mentioned in the beginning of the semester is that children do not become the way they are because of themselves, but because of the parents. Also, children can not develop “wrongfully” because of themselves, but of course, because of the parents.
So now everytime I see a kid with their parent(s), I examine their behavior and relationship. From that little girl who would yell and kick around in the department store because she did not get a pair of new shoes, to the babies who would cry to no end, only trying to say that it’s too hot.
A few points I’ve learned about parenting:
Note: We are studying babies and toddlers (approx. 2 years old).
- Talk to children normally. “Baby” talk will only slow down children’s speech development.
- Learn to understand baby’s language. Crying is their only way of communication.
- Do not yell at babies, they need to trust in you, and if you scare them, who else are they supposed to trust? It’s not like they know how to make friends just yet!
- Don’t make meal time a battleground. Work with the kids on their eating and make it fun. Also, if you wouldn’t eat the food, so won’t they (excluding Gerber and breast milk). That includes sitting cold meals that a dog wouldn’t even touch.
- Kids at the age around 2 loves to be independent. Help them when need to, but do not do any work for them (unless it may be threatening to their health/safety).
- Don’t think that by not picking up your baby (who’s age is less than 10 months), you will save them from being spoiled. Affection and touch is one of the most important aspect of development and without it, they can only develop so much. So next time the baby cries, pick them up, talk to them, communicate.
Oh there are a million other things that I’ve learned, from children’s psychological needs and so on. I’ve never been to keen on talking to kids, especially toddlers, but lately, working at the drive-thru station, I’ve been talking, waving and even communicating to some of the toddlers and babies that goes through. For one thing, they are super cute, and boy they are smart.
I am slowly becoming more fascinated with babies and their capacity of learning. Perhaps I have been wrong about them in some areas. For example, trying to be “cute” to children by talking “baby talk” isn’t going to impress them much. Haha, I never knew this. I’ve seen parents who talk to their babies like they’re talking to another adult, and before I took this class, I always thought they were crazy. I mean, how could a baby possibly understand adult language? But they can. They understand everything that we say, they simply aren’t able to say anything in return. But they understand.
Yay to another useful class
After reading the many books by Alice Hoffman, Here on Earth is definitely the one that touched me the most. I would say, the best one so far. In this book, Hoffman is able to portray love as how it is in real life, cheating, real love, reality and somehow still able to collaborate her usual magical writing style.
*Some spoiler are present. But not to the extreme
This is one book that I HIGHLY recommend to anyone out there who loves reading about fiction that portrays love, life, romance, family, and different individuals. Perhaps Hoffman has been able to cover quite a numerous amount of different types of individuals within this one book. One which interests me in examining individually: their motives, characteristics, behaviors and personality.
There are some dark sides to this book, though. It hurts me whenever Hoffman writes a sexual intercourse scene in a really rough and dirty way. I feel as if when she writes this, it makes me really dislike to whole situation. Maybe that’s what’s she’s trying to make the readers feel, and that’s exactly the results. There are scenes where Hollis, the “Mr.Death” as one would say, were having sex (note: not making love) with March Murray who’s been in love with him since they were young. I am glad that Hoffman separates Hollis as a young and Hollis when he grew up because they are two completely different individuals.
I’ve learned quite a bit by just reading this novel. That love could drive a person blind, so blind that they would let themselves be abused, beaten up and even stranded to die. Yes, there are a lot of abusive actions going on the books. Hoffman portrays Belinda (Hollis’ first wife) as to one that is too kind and so kind that she won’t admit that she’s being abused. And that’s exactly what abused women do, they are so kind, so in love, so distorted that they are unable to make choices for themselves. They believe in a surreal reality, lost in dreams, unable to make out the reality any longer. Friends and family tried to help, but they can only do so much because the only person who could stop the abuse is the woman herself. Yes. The woman herself is the one who has the full power to leave the relationship and get legal help. Thankfully that’s exactly what March Murray did. She finally awakens at the end of the story. She finally open her eyes to reality.
Another lesson is how a wife could love her husband so much that even when her husband is in love with another woman, she stayed by his side so lovingly. Until they grew old and died together. This type of love makes me cry, because the man has never meant to hurt the woman’s feeling. But he can’t help but falling in love with the other woman. Until the other woman (who’s loved by everyone in town) died. The man still loves the dead woman, but his wife is still by his side. As his best friend, he would feel, but she loves him much much more than that.
As soon as I closed the book (which only took me about 4-5 hours to read by the way), I was trembling. Abusive men are scary. Just reading Hoffman’s story makes me scared and tremble. The way they could make a woman feel like they’re the only one in the world, the way he could make them stay, shut up and the way they could control them anyway he wants. Such manipulation, it’s scary. Oh I can only wish that my man won’t turn into such beast. Such beast who deserves a new perspective in life – which is almost impossible to do.
The abusive man, Hollis, is one who has nothing and received everything at one. All just to proof to the world that he’s worth a lot more than what used to. But his ways are evil, he used trickery, and nothing legal. All to proof that he’s powerful. So powerful that he could have any women in town feel like their the only one he loves. So powerful that he could let his wife die in his own house of acute pneumonia. Scary. Real scary.
Hoffman even mentions how a judge thinks of domestic violence cases. How impossible it is to help the victim, when the victim her/himself does not speak out. How easy it is to tell a lie out of a victim, all to get themselves away from safety. What can a judge do? No proof. No charges.
Basically, this book is one worth reading and examining. It makes you rethink about what real love is all about. How your perception of love could change when you’re 15, 20, 40 and 60. Or if that “love” have anything to do with it all, maybe it’s something else entirely but we simply have no word for it? Maybe that feeling of possessiveness, of ownership, of wanting each other so much is not love? Interesting, right? They said that one could love a man/woman that they would do anything for them, even if it includes being beaten up and abused? What kind of love would that be? Is that really love at all?
Maybe we should rethink the word “love” by itself…
They call it the energy of the soul that has spent their days on Earth and won’t leave. Do you believe this? That even those who died, their energy would still linger much longer than their bodies, here on Earth. I do. I believe in the energy of the souls. Imagine all of that energy that one human could produce, you think it would just be eliminated in an instance? I don’t think so.
Maybe their energy is being left behind as chill, or heat. Maybe as you touch their items, you would feel their energy once they’re gone. Or being in their space. Or maybe that energy is being presented as shadows, black figures, wind, light. Maybe that goosebumps behind your neck, as if someone is watching you, but really, there isn’t anybody. Yes, that energy indeed. And some may see a complete figure – well, I don’t know if that’s luck or quite the opposite.
Do you believe that places could be haunted? That you yourself could be haunted? Individuals could be followed by that energy. Or maybe it’s just in the person’s mind. For he/she who couldn’t forget those that have left them, they let those energy linger within them, and all around them. Which would you agree with?
The only person I have personally known and lost is my grandmother and I often feel her presence. My mom told me that I may have a sixth sense. Do note that I come from a very spiritual-believing family. We believe in fate, in wandering souls, in ghosts and in other spiritual beings. That being said, I know that my grandmother is watching me. Sometimes I could feel her sitting right next to me. We had a bond, which we unfortunately could not make any much stronger since she left when I was young. We were apart. She wanted to see me during the last minutes of her life. That tore my heart apart. Where’s Santi? I want to see her… And I was 15 hours flight apart, separated by land and sea. But now her energy is here, often, but not always. Is it because I let it? Or does it have a mind of its own?
That which we can not see, we question endlessly. What we can not touch, what we can not proof with science, are nothing but dreams, thoughts and imaginations. But could this be true? Then how is it that I could feel or sometimes see the energy during times when I least expected it to?
I believe in ghosts. How about you?
In all of the things that we do, discipline is something which we must have. When we were young, luckily we always have our mentors or adults who tells us what to do. Then you get older and you are expected to do the things you used to be told to do. These “things” range from simple things such as taking the garbage out, making our own breakfast or taking a shower. Then the things that the adults know we’re going to want to know how to do when we grow up: cleaning, cooking, education and so on.
Then here you are, without adult supervision whatsover, doing the everyday things which seemed to be easy when you had that “motivator” behind you. Suddenly, it’s all based on one single motivator: discipline. Well it’s not really the motivator, but simply the working system in which we make ourselves as our own motivators.
The reason why I am mentioning this today is because I just realized how lazy I could become sometimes… This is the simple problem. Too lazy to clean up my own room, too lazy to clean, too lazy to… Then it continues on to the more complex things: running, dancing, playing guitar, singing, photography, studying… All which requires a certain level of discipline.
To be honest with you, I am never satisfied with any of my skills. It seems as if I am doing everything half way. Yes I can sing, somewhat. I can play guitar, but only so far. I can’t read notes anymore. I rarely run, now even lost my running shoes (how, I don’t know). It’s snowing out, and it’s really hard to really find a good quiet spot where I can take shots. Studying? Don’t even ask… The longest I spend reading a book is an hour. One time I could read for 3 hours, but that was before 6:00pm, and after that, don’t expect me to be able to sit and read textbooks and study.
Right now I am just thinking of all the things I could’ve achieved if I had spent more time in every single of those hobbies. You know how they say “practice makes perfect” ? Well, practicing is very hard when you don’t have the discipline. Especially for me, I feel as if I should push myself extra hard to just go out and really do something good for myself.
I admire individuals with the discipline to actually master their skills. The runners can run for miles, the musicians can read well and perfect their music-playing skills, the photographers spend days printing and looking for new ideas, the dancers practice… and so on. Mastering the skills that they have. Not half way, but ALL the way. Where do I stand? Half way of course.
This is just a reminder to myself as well as you readers If you realize that you really could spend your time perfecting whatever skills you wish you really could master, do it. Otherwise you will only be doing things half way… Like where I am right now
Good luck!
Many believes that personality changes. But really, it’s not our personality that changes. This is something I learned in Personality Psyc (yes I paid attention). The fact that, surprisingly, our personality remain steady throughout our entire life. So what really makes us think that “people change”? What really changed is not the person, but it’s their needs, and perhaps their principles.
As I was talking to a couple of my friends, we discussed simple issues of when we were young. How we always thought of tattoos and ear piercings are taboo. How we (at least I) always thought that the color pink is a color worth despising. Guess what, I have grown to love the color pink and piercings as well loving the idea of a tattoo. And so did my friends.
That’s the simple portrait of change that we go through in our life: our change of perception or viewpoint towards the issues around our environment.
I remember how I think when I was 13, or 14 and 15… Now that I’m looking back at myself back then, how I always thought that I’m “mature” but really I’m not. I was just another egoistic-self-absorbed teenager who happens to be hit with life’s tiny little troubles. And I thought I was special. Huh. I’ve grown to understand that every family has their own dark spots and every life has their own bitterness. And I shouldn’t asked for sympathy.
Then we come to relationships and how we change throughout our entire life. I would say that a good-working relationship is one which both partners are able to grow and change alongside each other. Yes, when I said “change,” it certainly means our needs and principles. Also to grow and mature into adulthood and be able to support each other when both are changing rapidly.
It may sound easy, but it really isn’t. Change is one the most common reason for relationships to end (according to my own experience, yes I am making a weak inductive argument here). I see people around me break up because they are unable to provide or receive their needs. We mistakenly use the common term “he/she simply changed, we’re not quite fit with each other anymore” when really nobody changed, but their needs changed.
As you can see, as we grow older and maturer, we discover new things in our life and we will “bloom” into one step a better person each time. We learn new things everyday – this part is true, but we also grow each time we learn something new. If you are able to withstand alongside your partner(s) (friends, romance, family, etc.) while you constantly change then your relationship can be concluded as strong.
I would say that this is a good time to examine ourselves and how much our needs have changed in the past and how our perception/viewpoints grew. The word “wise” would be a better fit here; as we discover new things, we grow wiser. Also examine those around you and cherish those who’ve been with your for a long time. Your parents included (your needs have changed and so did theirs), are your relationship strong? Have you adapted? Or have you simply rejected the other partner’s change in perspective/needs/principles and leave them?
Cheers.
Hergenhahn, B. R., and Matthew H. Olson. An Introduction to Theories of Personality. 7th ed. Upper Saddle River: Pearson Prentice Hall, 2007. 457-458.
Carl Rogers: “Modern Marriage”
Statistics indicate that the institution of marriage in out culture is in trouble and, according to Rogers, this is because marriages are too often based on outdated, simplistic, fallacious, or selfish assumptions. For example, couples frequently believe that simply being in love or being committed to each other is enough to o sustain a marriage. Rogers (1972a) gathered statements that he believed signaled these dangerous assumptions:
“I love you”; “We love each other.”…”I commit myself wholly to you and your welfare”… “I am more concerned for you than I am for myself. “… “We will work hard on our marriage.”… “We hold the institution of marriage sacred, and it will be sacred for us.” … “We pledge ourselves to each other until death do us part.”… “We are destined for each other.” (pp. 199-200)
According to Rogers, all of the preceding statements miss the important point that for marriage to work it must be egalitarian, enriching, and satisfying for both partners. Marriage should be a dynamic process within which both partners continually grow. The only pledge that made any sense to Rogers is, “We each commit ourselves to working together on the changing process of our present relationship, because that relationship is currently enriching our love and our life and we wish it to grow.” (1972a, p.201). A good marriage is one that is mutually beneficial to the partners involved.
Rogers observed themes running through the apparently successful marriages of couples who had learned the person-centered philosophy from discussion groups, encounter groups, or individual therapy. Rogers summarized those themes:
Difficulties already present in the partnership are brought into the open… Communication becomes more open, more real, with more mutual listening… The partners come to recognize the value of separateness… The woman’s growing independence is recognized as valuable in the relationship… There is increasing recognition of the importance of feelings, as well as reason, of emotions as well as intellect… There is a thrust toward the experiencing of greater mutual trust, personal growth, and share interests… Roles, and role expectations, tend to drop away and are replaced by the person choosing her own way of behaving… There is a more realistic appraisal of the needs each can meet in the other… So-called satellite relationships may be formed by either partner, and this often causes pain as well as enriching growth. (1977, pp.45-54)
Rogers (1977) elaborated on the point concerning satellite relationships:
Satellite relationship means a close secondary relationship outside the marriage which may or may not involve sexual intercourse, but which is valued for itself… When two persons in a partnership learn to look upon each other as seperate persons, with separate as well as mutual interests and needs, they are likely to discover that outside relationships are one of those needs. (pp. 52-53)
The notion of satellite relationships brings jealousy to mind. For Rogers, however, jealousy suggested possessiveness:
To the extent that jealousy is made up of a sense of possessiveness, any alteration in that feeling makes a profound difference in the politics of the marriage relationship. To the degree that each partner becomes truly a free agent, then the relationship only has permanence if the partners are committed to each other, are in good communication with each other, accept themselves as separates, and live together as persons, not roles. This is a new and mature kind of relationship toward which many couples are striving. (1977, p.55)
Rogers (1977) described a married couple that apparently had overcome possessiveness and its related feeling of jealousy:
Fred and Trish endeavored to make their marriage a relationship in which primary value is placed on each of them as persons. They have tried to share in decision-making, the desired of each having equal weight. Each seems to have avoided, to an unusual degree, any need to possess or control the other. They have developed a partnership in whic their lives are both separate and together. They have each developed relationships outside of marriage, and these intimate interactions have often been sexual in nature. They have communicated openly about these relationships and appear to have accepted them as a natural and rewarding part of their individual lives and of their marriage. They like their life-style. Theirs is a marriage both person-centered and far from conventional. (p. 205)
Permitting an intimate satellite relationship within a marriage is apparently easier to accept intellectually than it is emotionally because so many couples that have tried one or more of them have ended in divorce. For it to work, according to Rogers, the idea must be acceptable to both marital partners on both intellectual and emotional levels.
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On Satellite Relationship:
I simply disagree with this point that Rogers made. Satellite relationship simply shows that each marital partners are not satisfied with each other for them to need others to satisfy their sexual needs. In fact, why marry the person if you’re only going to try and find others to satisfy you in the future? Such open marriage is one that I oppose very very deeply.
However, Rogers made really good points in all of the other areas. He talked about how the two partners must accept for the fact that they are both separate individuals but they must somehow work together in making the marriage “work.” A lot of times people do forget this and marriages are often a selfish act. For example, women who desire marriage for the chance to be dependent towards their husband. So wrong…
Simply put, this article really expresses how I feel about marriage (except the satellite-marriage part – NO WAY). Funny thing is that this article is written back in the 70’s and it’s funny how the divorce rate hasn’t gone down until today. Cause? More educated and independent women of course A lot of women choose not to get married young and they have learned from past experiences that early marriage does not work (usually learning from their parents). In fact, every time I talk to someone, it has become casual to say, “I went to my dad’s, and then to my mom’s during the week.” or something along those line…
So there you go folks… Let’s together stop the divorce phenomena, make better choice(s) in life, and don’t make the same mistake most of our baby boomers and later generations have made
